Wrote it a month ago. Thirty-six hours later I fell in love with another man.
Life has its own way of surprising us.
About this other man, he’s just not the right man. He’s probably fifteen years older than me, all right. And he probably doesn’t like me either. He doesn’t even have an idea that I’ve been loving him for more than a month now, and been trying my best to take him out of my head. Because you see, it’s so wrong. And I need to focus, but when I try to, he pops up into my head.
Last night, though, the unexpected happened. For days now, I’ve been thinking about how I’m going to make fun of tomorrow (less than two hours from now). Tomorrow, my friends, is the (happy) anniversary of the breakup with my ex. We’re four years and counting! Yay! It’s been four years, for Christ’s sake, but if you’re thinking why the hell I can’t move on, well, I have, but I’ve got nothing to do, and I had no other relationship after him, and I’m now in good terms with my ex and I just wanted to remember the first and only relationship I’ve ever had so far so what the heck? (I sounded so defensive there, right? OK think what you’d like to.)
Now back to my story. Nothing much actually happened. As I said I’ve been thinking about tomorrow, and about what I’m going to do, about posting this song which pretty much relates to our story, and this poem/essay/whatever it is that I wrote when I still hadn’t moved on. So there. And then last night I slept very early and had a long dosage of sleep. Lately I don’t remember my dreams, but last night the sleep was so complete that I could remember three of them vividly when I woke up! Now, I don’t remember much lol—-but two of it involved two friends telling me that my ex was looking for me, wanting to talk to me and to ask me whether I could still give him a chance.
The reply that I remember telling my friend after she told me about it was rather awkward. I squeezed her cheeks and told her: “It’s been four years, for Christ’s sake!” But in my dream, I was kind of delighted having heard what she just told me.
Actually a month ago, two friends came to my place and told me how hot my ex is right now. I couldn’t stand it—two gay friends fantasizing my ex! But then they asked me, if my ex still wants me, would I accept him again? I said no. They asked again, if he’s not the same person, if he has changed, would I? I still said no; it’s been too long; I’ve moved on. Truth is, I’m not sure if I really have. The first and only time I saw him after we broke, I haven’t moved on completely. It was a year after the breakup and he was with her girlfriend. (Now I don’t know if they’re still together, considering the intriguing questions of my friends. But then again, they might be just asking out of nothing.) But this I’m certain, I don’t think I ever want to be in a relationship with him again. I wasn’t too happy in the seven months we were together. I was in the first two or three, but it was just the shallow type, my sixteen-year-old self who got what she wanted after a long wait. And, I think I’ve matured, and have higher standards. I liked him then because he was religious, now I’m not very religious myself. I liked him then because he was a nice boy, shy and all, but his being nice and shy gave us problems. I liked him then because I didn’t care about my future, now I’m doubting whether I’ll have a good future with him.
But then again, maybe I shouldn’t be thinking about this. Because whether I still like him or not won’t matter if he doesn’t like me anymore in the first place, so what the fuck.
I’ll just return to celebrating our happy 4th breakup anniversary reminiscing the good *squee* moments I had when I was sixteen. :)
