I was making dinner when it started playing. It was also playing the second night you drove me home, the night I fell for you. We were alone in your car and you kept on asking me. I was too tired and too scared to answer, because I didn’t want to get too close and personal, but there’s something in you or something in me that made me answer question after question. Instead of not saying anything or trying to say a little, I always end up explaining myself to you, even more. Then I’d realize my mistake only after I spoke. Too many words already spoken. I was ashamed and scared, but it was OK to you it left me assured, even just a little, for a while.

But I couldn’t help noticing the song just before you dropped me in front of my door. I loved it even before then, but it was so perfect for that moment.

You say, Can we still be friends?

If I was scared, I would

If I was pure, you know I would

If I was yours, but I’m not

I’m scared of revealing myself to you, but I’m not scared of you, I’m not scared of loving you. Now that I love you, I’m not scared. BUT (it’s just that): I’ve just not completely lost my senses—-not yet.

I’m not pure. I have other intentions. Intentions you’re not even aware of, despite all your kindness. I fell in love with you because you were an angel. And right now because I love you, I’m judging you. And because I love you while knowing I can’t because I don’t want to, I judge you to be beautiful, ugly, old and balding. You’re an angel, darling, but sorry, I’m a devil.

And definitely I’m not yours, and I won’t be. I love you now until, (your) God knows until when. But I can’t because I don’t want to. You’ll never understand. I want to but I don’t want to. You are too beautiful but too wrong.

I don’t believe in who’s the right or the wrong one, but I absolutely know that a man probably more than fifteen years ahead of me is just so wrong for me. I can’t because I want someone I can be proud of to my friends and to my family. I’m proud of you, but not as the man who would stand beside me. I am proud of you, but I feel like you don’t deserve me. And I don’t deserve someone like you, either.

And while I say this I’m feeding my own ego saying things why I can’t like you while you don’t even like me in the first place. You’ll never understand. By saying I can’t love you anymore because I don’t want to over and over in my head, I am hoping that I’m going to wake up one day when this is the only thing about you that’s playing in my head and that I’m going to learn to believe it.

Now I’m ready to start.

I would rather be wrong than live in the shadows of your song

That song that was playing when we were alone in your car just before you dropped me in front of my door. And yes, I wish I were wrong about you, or about this feeling.