November 9, 2010

3:05 am

OK so I just finished writing something about him on the day when it’s the anniversary of me and my ex’s breakup!

I had hoped it would be a good transition. From my ex to a decent man. But one, two—yes, I think it’s just two (and a few admirers who just sort of flirted but never dared)—suitors and the decent man didn’t come.

I can’t remember anymore if this is the first time I fell like this for someone after my ex. There’s this guy I liked for some time but I haven’t met him and he angered me by deleting me on his contacts when he had a new girlfriend! Seriously!? Why delete me? And then another guy I haven’t met either but whom I used to talk with. A lot. He became my friend and I fell for him but he had a girlfriend. Maybe he liked me, too. If his words were true, then he did. The problem with this is strictly moral. I was against infidelity and he loves his girlfriend very much, so that was the end of us. Eventually he ended even our friendship. That broke my heart.

This man of the hour, though, if it’s just me and him and I can do anything without thinking about anything except me and him, I’d go for him. But that’s not the case, so I’m in this hardest dilemma you could ever face: wanting someone but not wanting to want that someone.

Mindfuckery. Fuck me.